I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize