I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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