I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
