i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
