Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize