God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
