but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
