Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
