my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize