So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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