I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
