you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
