my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
