tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
