I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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