What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
