My friends, they love my intelligence
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
