New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently the secret to your success is patron
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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