The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
