textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
