I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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