the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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