I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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