I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize