turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Houston, we have a squirter
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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