he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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