tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize