i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
