dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize