oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
