Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize