Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
