My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
