Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
