well I can't set my house on fire every night
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
