Life is so much better after having sex.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
