do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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