Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
