Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
