my phone needs a breathalizer
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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