When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
