Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
