if you like me you must not know who I am
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
