i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
