I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
