do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
