I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just made out with a guy for $7.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
