I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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