just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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