Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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