Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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