I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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