If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
