the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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