I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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