And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
