we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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