New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
