I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
